The One Man Armies of Biblical Times

 Now, before I begin the post proper, I am going to attempt to emulate the style of the following website:

https://www.badassoftheweek.com/

However, while I do like how Ben Thompson takes the subject of history and makes it entertaining for the people who would otherwise zone out at the issue, I shall refrain from the profanity and as much crude humor as I can, though I will attempt to emulate his signature bombast and larger than life writing.

FYI, before I continue, I do want to say, despite a few differences I have with Ben as a fellow student of history (primarily minor nitpicky stuff really), he is a legitimate historian, and writer of several excellent books on the subject, and I do appreciate how he tries to make the subject of history appeal to a wider demographic.

With that out of the way, let's begin.

The Bible has long been a font of all sorts of interesting information. Ranging from religious instruction to legal codes to life stories to random wisdom, there is something for everyone, even if you are not a person who is a member of the Abrahamic faiths. The historical aspects of the record are also tales of people who did amazing feats of selflessness and courage, most involving war and acts of violence, though not all. I shall recount some of the higher profile stories of people who were so lethal that they didn't need reinforcements, they WERE the reinforcements.

And while the name Sampson usually heads that list for the casual reader, I shall not be going over his story except to say he's not the only guy who raised havoc all by himself, this post is going to cover some others who did the same.

Shamgar - If you read towards the end of the third chapter of the Book of Judges, in a section you could almost miss by accident after they detail how God's ninja Ehud assassinated a tyrant so fat they couldn't find the murder weapon because it disappeared into his own lard (not making that up, the guy was a blubber factory), it seems after said tyrant and the Moabite people learned not to mess with the Israelites, that's when the Philistines tried their earliest crack at being a scourge to the people.

Now, a bit of background. The Philistines were one of the Sea Peoples, that is, they were known for hanging around the Mediterranean Sea, and historians often concur they originated somewhere around Crete and migrated to the area known in the modern day as Palestine. In the process, they picked up a love of military expansionism, being absolute douchenozzles to anyone they could conquer, and worshiping a creepy, fish-headed being called Dagon, which H.P. Lovecraft later adopted as a low-grade cosmic horror for his stories.

Now, the Philistines could generally get away with being conquerors because they were early adopters of the Iron Age while most of the time they were still subjugating people still mastering bronze. In military terms, this was guys with AK-47s taking on guys using flintlocks, so whoever they decided to conquer was generally so owned they might as well have had "slave" stapled to their kicked backsides.

Now, the Philistines had noticed the Israelites had recently muscled into Canaan and had been setting up shop, and they figured they'd make these latest migrants bend the knee.

Or that was the plan until they encountered Shamgar.

Shamgar, son of Anath, he was just a simple farmer, specifically, he herded oxen, and one day, as he was trying to scratch out a living for himself, the Philistines showed up, declared everyone else to bend the knee or be gutted, and tried shaking down the Israelites for tribute.

Well, Shamgar just wanted to herd his oxen in peace, and he decided he was not going to take these guys lying down. Being a farmer, he took the only weapon he had, his ox goad, and he decided he was going to make the Philistines regret ruining his people's happiness.

Now, this is not exactly an ideal weapon. An ox goad was basically a bronze stick with an end barely sharper than a pool cue, mainly used to get a stubborn ox to move forward. Versus a bunch of guys with iron weapons and armor, this was not exactly a good weapon for anyone to go challenging them with.

But Shamgar did not care. The Bible is not clear on whether he just marched up to their armies and told them to throw down or if he decided to take a page from Ehud's book and shanked Philistines in the throat in the middle of the night with his ox goad, but the Bible does make clear over 600 Philistines were slain after Shamgar decided to take a stand.

The Philistines decided discretion was the better part of valor and they more or less sodded off for the next few generations, at least waiting long after Shamgar was dead, before they tried to invade Israel again.

The epilogue only makes this more incredible. Several generations later, when the events of the Book of Samuel happened, the Philistines tried to subjugate the Israelites again, only this time they seized control of the blacksmithing industry to prevent another Shamgar, like this:

 [19] A blacksmith could not be found in all the land of Israel, for the Philistines had said, "This will prevent the Hebrews from making swords and spears."  [20] So all Israel had to go down to the Philistines in order to get their plowshares, cutting instruments, axes, and sickles sharpened.  [21] They charged two-thirds of a shekel to sharpen plowshares and cutting instruments, and a third of a shekel to sharpen picks and axes, and to set ox goads. 

(I Samuel 13:19-21 [NETtext])

Yeah, you read that right, the Philistines were still so terrified of that farmer who murked over 600 of them with a farming implement that they wanted to know with receipts who owned anything remotely pointy, just to make sure that never happened again.

Ittai the Gittite:

Now, let's fast forward a bit. Sometime after David became King of Israel, his son Absalom got ideas about bumping off his old man and seizing the throne for himself, sending his daddy into hiding with his loyalists while he did all sorts of stupid things to cement the breach like setting up a big tent with all of his dad's wives and concubines (that didn't escape with David) and making clear to everyone nearby by the noises from the tent he was marking his territory in the crudest way possible, and also making clear even if Daddy tried to forgive him, he was going to make it nigh impossible to make things right later.

Given Absalom was a retarded pretty boy with more arrogance than sense, I'll spare a detailed account of how he wound up dead for his hubris.

However, that said, let's detail one of the guys who stuck by David at the time when Absalom convinced a lot of them to switch sides.

 [17] The king and all the people set out on foot, pausing at a spot some distance away.  [18] All his servants were leaving with him, along with all the Kerethites, all the Pelethites, and all the Gittites - some six hundred men who had come on foot from Gath. They were leaving with the king.  [19] Then the king said to Ittai the Gittite, "Why should you come with us? Go back and stay with the new king, for you are a foreigner and an exile from your own country.  [20] It seems like you arrived just yesterday. Today should I make you wander around by going with us? I go where I must go. But as for you, go back and take your men with you. May genuine loyal love protect you!"  [21] But Ittai replied to the king, "As surely as the LORD lives and as my lord the king lives, wherever my lord the king is, whether dead or alive, there I will be as well!"  [22] So David said to Ittai, "Come along then." So Ittai the Gittite went along, accompanied by all his men and all the dependents who were with him. 

(II Samuel 15:17-22 [NETtext])

Now, this just sounds like a loyalist and his peeps signing on with David, despite the fact David was vastly outnumbered, but let's cover a few things.

Ittai was from the Philistine city of Gath, meaning at one point he and David had likely crossed swords. Later, David, during the events earlier in the Books of Samuel, spent some time in Philistine territory, doing a clever double agent act where he pretended to do raids on his own people in exchange for being able to hide out in Palestine since King Saul wanted David's head at the time. In reality, he was offing all sorts of thugs like the Amalekites and other vulture-like raider tribes who were preying on the Israelites, covering his tracks by making sure he killed everyone and just brought back some loot for the Philistines, who bought this BS story hook, line, and sinker.

In the process, David got to meet some genuine tough guys on the Philistine side, some of which decided to sign on with him, realizing he was an up-and-coming warlord whose blade they didn't want to be on the wrong side of.

Ittai was one of them.

Now, at the time Ittai scraped together some of his fellow mercenaries for hire and convinced them to sign on with David, David was kinda screwed. Most of his army had deserted him for his upstart son, David was cut off from almost all support, and even with Ittai's mercs rounding out his resistance forces, David's odds looked pretty bad strictly from a numerical perspective.

But Ittai knew better. Despite David basically telling Ittai he appreciated the vote of confidence, this would make him an outcast to his people, he was signing on for some crummy odds, and he would be putting his life in the hands of a guy who made the Philistines' lives suck for years after becoming King of Israel.

Well, Ittai knew this. And he did not care. He willingly told David he had his loyalty until death, and despite his Philistine birth, Ittai knelt before the same God as the guy who made his people cry uncle because he knew David was the man on the winning side, and Ittai wanted to be one of his right hands.

As it turned out, Ittai made a smart bet. Despite the fact David had barely two brigades worth of men on hand (and that's including all the noncombatants with him), it was a slaughter.

Twenty thousand idiots who decided to side with Absalom were absolutely steamrollered by a tiny fraction of their number. Ittai was one of the three leaders of the warriors of King David that delivered overwhelming victory for their liege lord and his Lord in turn.

The Thirty:

Now, King David was a tough guy in his own right, but he had a pretty good eye for talent, and he had his group of elites that he christened "The Thirty".

Technically, he had almost forty men in this group, but given the numbers hovered around the thirties most of the time, this was a pretty decent summary of these over three dozen face-smashing engines of destruction he considered the tip of the spear that was his standing army.

Let's cover a few of these guys, shall we?

 [8] These are the names of David's warriors:Josheb-Basshebeth, a Tahkemonite, was head of the officers. He killed eight hundred men with his spear in one battle.  

This guy saw Shamgar's record and said "Hold my wine."

[9] Next in command was Eleazar son of Dodo, the son of Ahohi. He was one of the three warriors who were with David when they defied the Philistines who were assembled there for battle. When the men of Israel retreated,  [10] he stood his ground and fought the Philistines until his hand grew so tired that it seemed stuck to his sword. The LORD gave a great victory on that day. When the army returned to him, the only thing left to do was to plunder the corpses.  

When the army shows up to help and there you are sitting on a mountain of corpses asking your buddies "What took you so long, they're already dead."

[11] Next in command was Shammah son of Agee the Hararite. When the Philistines assembled at Lehi, where there happened to be an area of a field that was full of lentils, the army retreated before the Philistines.  [12] But he made a stand in the middle of that area. He defended it and defeated the Philistines; the LORD gave them a great victory.  

This guy had nothing but himself and a bean field between him and the Philistines winning. So he made himself a scarecrow with an attitude and dared them to take the field from him. They wound up fertilizing it while all the wimps who ran ahead hung their heads in shame.

[13] At the time of the harvest three of the thirty leaders went down to David at the cave of Adullam. A band of Philistines was camped in the valley of Rephaim.  [14] David was in the stronghold at the time, while a Philistine garrison was in Bethlehem.  [15] David was thirsty and said, "How I wish someone would give me some water to drink from the cistern in Bethlehem near the gate!"  [16] So the three elite warriors broke through the Philistine forces and drew some water from the cistern in Bethlehem near the gate. They carried it back to David, but he refused to drink it. He poured it out as a drink offering to the LORD  [17] and said, "O LORD, I will not do this! It is equivalent to the blood of the men who risked their lives by going." So he refused to drink it. Such were the exploits of the three elite warriors.  

Let me explain why this should impress you if it doesn't sound special. Imagine three grunts during World War I jumping out of the trenches, running across no man's land while defying artillery strikes and machine gun nests, making it behind enemy lines, stealing the canteen of the guy commanding the other side, then making it BACK to their own lines without a scratch on them just to impress their own commander.

Now, David, he could have drunk it, but he decided to be classy. God had blessed him with three guys willing to do insane stunts like this out of sheer loyalty and live to tell the tale, so he instead gave that water they risked their lives to get as an offering of Thanksgiving to the Lord in gratitude for blessing him with such hardcore, fearless warriors.

 [18] Abishai son of Zeruiah, the brother of Joab, was head of the three. He killed three hundred men with his spear and gained fame among the three.  [19] From the three he was given honor and he became their officer, even though he was not one of the three.  

Now, this guy was so awesome that his brother Joab made a special point to kill the guy who offed his brother as contemptuously as possible. Unlike his brother, Joab was a total prick who, while competent and hardcore in his own right (literally scaling the walls of Jerusalem on his own just to kill all the guys on the walls just to impress his boss), was disqualified from the Thirty because he took the concept of honor and wiped his own butt with it. In fact, the guy he killed to avenge his brother had been King David's former commander Abner under King Saul, who had surrendered into David's service in good faith.

David not only gave Abner a state funeral as an apology for his murder, he never forgot Joab's treachery, and Joab was later killed in front of the altar in the Temple of the Lord by his son Solomon, honoring his father's wish to make sure that "Joab's gray head would go to the grave in blood" for all the murders and treachery he had committed.

[20] Benaiah son of Jehoida was a brave warrior from Kabzeel who performed great exploits. He struck down the two sons of Ariel of Moab. He also went down and killed a lion in a cistern on a snowy day.  [21] He also killed an impressive-looking Egyptian. The Egyptian wielded a spear, while Benaiah attacked him with a club. He grabbed the spear out of the Egyptian's hand and killed him with his own spear.  [22] Such were the exploits of Benaiah son of Jehoida, who gained fame among the three elite warriors.  [23] He received honor from the thirty warriors, though he was not one of the three elite warriors. David put him in charge of his bodyguard. 

Now, most of this is self-explanatory, but some clarification. A cistern was typically a hole in the ground for collecting water, and Benaiah killed a lion while trapped in one while it was freezing, and yes, despite being in a desert-like a region, it can snow there and it can get COLD.

[24] Included with the thirty were the following: Asahel the brother of Joab, Elhanan son of Dodo from Bethlehem,  [25] Shammah the Harodite, Elika the Harodite,  [26] Helez the Paltite, Ira son of Ikkesh from Tekoa,  [27] Abiezer the Anathothite, Mebunnai the Hushathite,  [28] Zalmon the Ahohite, Maharai the Netophathite,  [29] Heled son of Baanah the Netophathite, Ittai son of Ribai from Gibeah in Benjamin,  [30] Benaiah the Pirathonite, Hiddai from the wadis of Gaash,  [31] Abi-Albon the Arbathite, Azmaveth the Barhumite,  [32] Eliahba the Shaalbonite, the sons of Jashen, Jonathan  [33] son of Shammah the Hararite, Ahiam son of Sharar the Hararite,  [34] Eliphelet son of Ahasbai the Maacathite, Eliam son of Ahithophel the Gilonite,  [35] Hezrai the Carmelite, Paarai the Arbite,  [36] Igal son of Nathan from Zobah, Bani the Gadite,  [37] Zelek the Ammonite, Naharai the Beerothite (the armor-bearer of Joab son of Zeruiah),  [38] Ira the Ithrite, Gareb the Ithrite  [39] and Uriah the Hittite. Altogether there were thirty-seven.  

(II Samuel 23:8-39 [NETtext])

The last name on the list is a really bittersweet one. Uriah was a loyal man who, if you know of David's history, was the husband of Bathsheba, a woman David decided he wanted for himself and he sent Uriah off to a battle that would mean certain doom just to kill him and have his way with her.

David would never live this down, and God made sure the stain of this act would haunt David for the rest of his life, and it only gets more disgusting when you consider why Uriah deserved better.

Uriah was a loyal officer in David's army, and after David wound up sleeping around with the guy's wife, he realized she got pregnant and tried to cover it up by calling Uriah back, telling him to take a load off, spend some time with his wife, and hopefully, he'd not find the timing odd.

The thing is, not only was the ploy not successful, Uriah refused to do this because he was not only a soldier, he was a devout man of God, and it was God's own instruction to the military to put aside all other earthly pleasures while campaigning, and he informed David he could not afford to get drunk on wine and sleep with his wife when he could be back on the field, sharing in the troubles of the armed forces, who were still engaged in a military campaign.

Now, David could not lawfully order Uriah to NOT put pleasure above his duty, and he knew it. Instead, he decided to send him back to the front and sent sealed orders to Joab to make sure Uriah wound up cut off from support and left for dead.

Joab had a pretty good suspicion why David ordered this, and while he reluctantly did as the boss said, he basically send back a politely worded note in his battle report on the results calling his boss a cold blooded weasel in a roundabout way.

Now, Joab was a man who was pretty treacherous himself, so for HIM to be appalled at your skullduggery, you had to be an utter scumbag. 

David at the time let the hint even his own commanding general considered him miserable bag of feces pass him by, but God decided to give David a far more permanent reminder of the same in a way David could not ignore long after, and the guilt of Uriah's murder by David's callous disregard for a faithful soldier who did not deserve to have life and happiness taken from him by his own commander would never go away. The rest of David's life was riddled with trouble because David had sacrificed a man who was worth an army for his own lust and greed.

As part of his lifelong atonement, David made sure that the annals of history would forever know Uriah was one of the Thirty.